


Other Supernatural 3-Sentence AUs

by MajorEnglishEsquire



Series: 3-Sentence AUs [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 3 Sentence Fiction, Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Memes, PWP: Pie Without Plot, Rare Pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-19 19:37:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17007909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorEnglishEsquire/pseuds/MajorEnglishEsquire
Summary: 3-Sentence Alternate Universe mini-fics, originally posted on Tumblr, for all otherSupernaturalcharacter combos.(I am genuinely sorry this has so many pairings tagged - it is not meant as a trap, I'm just trying to dump all these meme responses without making a billion individual posts.)





	Other Supernatural 3-Sentence AUs

**Dean Winchester x Donna Hanscum**

** Couples Therapy **

> deanhugchester: Dean x Donna, couples therapy

Maybe it should be weird that things feel fixed before they even enter the therapist’s office, but Donna is just sitting there in the waiting room, stunned, thinking about going home and just boldly stripping down to cuddle her man… her thoughtful, quiet man.

Dean’s still quiet, where he sits by her side, thumbing with feigned interest through an _US Weekly_ , glancing at her when he thinks she isn’t looking, his rattling leg betraying how nervous he is – about as nervous as he has been since the moment she said she scheduled them for therapy and he clammed right up but his body kept shrinking in on itself and vibrating like he was panicked he’d done something wrong.

She just felt distant from him, as if Dean was slipping away from her, but the first thing he did upon entering the office was fetch her a cup of coffee from the self-serve table in the corner, perfect dash of creme, just the right amount of sugar, two napkins, and, even with the whole room available, he’s squished up right next to her so maybe– maybe, she thinks with a growing smile, it was just a comfortable quiet and not a distance at all.

 

** Set Up by Sam & Jody **

> stesichoreanpalinode: Is it too late to ask for the 3-sentence meme: Sam and Jody, already dating, set up Dean and Donna?

Jody smiles, huge and fake, and warns Sam again, muttering from the corner of her mouth, “This isn’t going to work, she’s way too perky for your doom-and-gloom brother.”

Sam shakes his head, denying it again; his smile is soft and assured and he steps forward to clap Dean in a hug and draw him over to their table, introducing him to Donna and having him sit across from her.

They get into some good conversation though Dean hangs out of it a little while Donna just hops in and throws out cheerful observations, but when they turn to their menus, Dean wonders aloud what’s good to eat at this place and Donna laughs, “Oh, everything, but we oughta pick a couple pitchers a’ beer first and work our way through the fried appetizers,” she rattles on, absorbing Dean in deep conversation over their options, and Sam slyly eyes Jody as they watch Donna get to Dean’s heart through his stomach.

 

* * *

 

**Sam Winchester x Crowley**

** Coffee Shop **

> lokirogers: sam/crowley, coffee shop au :)

It’s usually quiet at the café this early, so Crowley’s annoyed on behalf of himself, the staff, and human decency in general to hear what is distinctly an American accent fumbling through the words, “Est-ce que vous embauchez?”

There’s a  _Non, non_ , dismissive and swift from a crisply dressed young man making coffee and Crowley imagines the backpacker will move on to beg at McDonalds or Starbucks, something more an American’s speed.

But the young man who tromps toward the exit isn’t quite the image his irked mind had conjured up at the sound of him, and Crowley lowers his sunglasses to watch him go considering that he might just have a position of his own to offer someone so… delicious.

 

** Sugar Daddy **

> lokirogers: sam/crowley, sugar daddy au?

He remembers why he buys Sam all these fine silken clothes every time he presents himself in the sparest of them.

When he enters his apartment today, Sam wears only the grey tie that was originally a part of a bloody expensive Armani outfit, complete with tailoring for his over-tall legs.

Said legs are the only thing  _Crowley_  ends up wearing to bed and the tie now sits snugly around Sam’s wrists, Crowley’s own now between his teeth stifling curses and moans.

 

** Rival Bookstores **

> stesichoreanpalinode: Crowley owns a small independent bookstore with random piles of books all over the shop. Sam represents the large chain bookstore that's opened round the corner.

The tall boy has the decency to at least fold down his uniform apron and pocket his nametag before he enters Crowley’s shop, but one day when he was slow about it, he thinks he read the name “Sam.”

Sam is wearing the company colors of the new, massive, fancy bookstore down the block, and he first stopped outside the windows with his coworkers who were laughing, joking so loud he could hear them through the glass and behind the newspaper he was clutching, that he’d probably be run out of business within the week.

But Sam didn’t laugh, and now he escapes to Crowley’s place to run his fingers reverently over the spines of collectible and rare volumes, to sit in the sunny corner and indulge in a chapter or two before he’s sure he has to break his own paycheck on actually purchasing the book he’s found in Crowley’s unorganized stacks.

 

** Rival Bakery **

> lokirogers: sam/crowley, bakery vs coffee shop au. their shops are at war since dean stole cas (crowley's best baker) from his coffee shop?  
>  (a/n is this another _You’ve Got Mail_ situation where i’m not recognizing the plot of a popular movie because i’m completely dense? you guys are really good at tricking me.)

“If you’ve come here to bellyache about your snot-nosed new baker,” Crowley says as Sam stomps into his coffee shop and slaps down a giant cake box full of assorted pastries, “you’re in the wrong place as you’re  _definitely_  the one who  _stole_  him from me, you awful moose of a man, I mean, how dare yo–”

“Cas is sick of the hard feelings so he asked me to bring this over so you had something for your display case,” Sam interrupts, rolling his eyes, “also, part of his terms for the ceasefire for some reason included me telling you that I like dogs.”

Crowley pauses and steps back and Growley perks at his feet as if his name had been called and, Crowley hates to admit it, but tall, dark, and shaggy is definitely the right bargaining chip for Castiel to have played–  _well done, Cas._

 

* * *

 

**Sam Winchester x Jody Mills**

** Pioneers **

> stesichoreanpalinode: Sam and Jody, pioneers on the Western frontier

Jody shuns the upstart towns they cross through as wild, lawless. She fears that if they were to stay, she’d have to take up arms to help enforce the peace and no one would want a woman doing that. Sam muses that, as a team, they might do well, but isn’t opposed to finding a plot of land good for raising sheep, goats, maybe some crops – then again, if the guns and badge end up making her happy, that is where he will follow, too.

 

** Avengers **

> deanhugchester: Sam/Jody Avengers AU.

Agent Mills gets the order to bring the Winchester boy in after she’s already met him undercover as one of his neighbors in the complex, his barista, and an assistant at his doctor’s office.

“I knew it was you every time,” he confesses when she shows him her SHIELD identification and reveals her name. “And I know you’re here about my powers, but before you black-bag me, or whatever, you should know that I killed every demon who stalked you while you were stalking me.”

 

** Grad Student/ ** ** Adviser **

clotpoleofthelord: Sam/Jody, grad student and adviser PhD afterparty!

He  _has_  graduated, after all, so it isn’t  _that bad_  of an idea… it’s still, admittedly, a bad idea, though, I mean– okay,  **yes** , it’s a bad idea, but he’s so TALL and so SMART and with such a perfect, radiant smile and she just wants to  _CLIMB HIM_.

Sam obliges her and – he’s done, final papers are in, there’s nothing holding him back from letting her teach him some  _real_  lessons,  _god_  – and they crash through the doors of her office, he manages to flip the lock and hooks his hands under her knees as she draws herself up his body.

Jody lets loose the past months of tension, moans them into his mouth, so responsive to every stroke of his fingers, then drops down and yanks him around by the collar, by the belt loop, by the neck, and he crouches beside her desk while she scoots to sit on the edge of it, drawing that smile down to kiss her knee, her thighs, and herself between them.

 

** Dancing **

> yeswayappianway: sam/jody, swing (or other social partner) dancing

Sam slaps on a smile and it’s half-cringe when he says through his teeth, “I’m totally not ready for thisssss,” and accepts Jody’s hands, standing in position.

“Neither am I,” Jody responds through a brilliant smile, “keep looking happy, though, and don’t trample all over me with your gigantic feet,” she says in a false-bright voice.

The music comes to life, everyone starts moving around them, he tugs her in and…. dear god, she feels all that warm muscle under that tight, fitted shirt and he moves his hands to her hips and they’re so big they almost span to her back and she is in so much trouble– Sam Winchester is built like a tank.

 

** Office Softball Team **

> clotpoleofthelord: If it's not too late for one more - Sam/Jody, Jody is the coach of Sam's office softball team

Jody is the neatly-cut, glowing and polite face of the entire marketing team during the week, but on Saturdays and Sundays, Sam has learned to FEAR HER.

You’d be forgiven for mistaking her for an everyday soccer mom, what with the expensive suits and the pristine office and that corporate smile, so Sam is completely fucking unprepared for how vicious she is, when he shows up to the first game after he joined up.

He’s not gonna lie: it’s a total turn-on, you know, like she’s yelling at the other coach and taunting the opposing players for being wimps and swatting their asses before they go up to bat and, when it’s his turn, if he’s not mistaken, he gets an extra squeeze and a bit of a wink with a lovely, intimidating, “Don’t you  _dare_  disappoint me, Winchester,” growled low.

 

** Pen Pals Meeting IRL **

> murderfeathers: sam/jody, pen pals meeting for the first time

It started out on one of those forums for legal professionals, when Jody had a question about extradition from California, and somehow things had gotten personal between her and the attorney she’d been working with. They’d been uncomfortable sharing family photos and such on the web since, as an attorney and a sheriff, they were both cautious of personal attacks, so they’d been mailing back and forth for quite some time now until Jody decided to take a couple weeks vacation and get some sun… in San Jose where, Sam practiced.

She insisted he not pay for parking at the airport he but had insisted, too – on greeting her as soon as possible, and there he looms, by baggage claim, as she looks for the courage to step out of the crowd around herself so he can see her (and what if what if what if he doesn’t like her as much as she likes him) but she’s a damn adult, she had a damn drink on the damn plane, she’s  _got_ this so, dammnit… here we go.

 

** Sheriff’s Conference **

> deanhugchester: Sam x Jody sheriffs, but he's legit. At a sheriff's conference.

In the middle of their very awesome, totally  _flowing_ and  _natural_ conversation, it hits Jody like a load of bricks: she stops smiling, stops laughing, and puts her hand to Sam’s chest, getting very serious, “I don’t want to be that woman, Sam, so just for the record, it’s not happening.”

The smile drops from his face, too, and it goes as white as the dress shirt that’s under his Koochiching County Sheriff’s Department jacket, “I-I didn’t mean, I mean, I wasn’t trying– I know w– well, I mean I don’t–”

“No, it’s okay,” she jumps in and stops his backtracking, “I just don’t wanna be the chick who goes to work conferences to get laid, you know?”

Sam’s smile reappears in relief, “But, uh, you wouldn’t be opposed to being the chick who goes to work conferences to find shooting partners,” he taps his sidearm and they both grin, “would you?”

 

* * *

 

**Charlie Bradbury x Jo Harvelle**

**_ The X-Files _ **

> clotpoleofthelord: Pssssst Dean/Cas xfiles AU. Then Charlie/Jo xfiles AU.

Dean had warned her, and she’d heard tales from her mom, but it was still a shock when the murderer she was profiling turned out to be a rougarou.

The girl she’d pulled out of the burning building, Charlie, had been the last employee there and saw the whole thing, but she was sputtering in just as much disbelief.

Jo stumbles across the parking lot by the light of the burning office building to grab Charlie’s wildly shaking hands, “You weren’t the only one,” she shouts over the roar of the flames, “you weren’t the only one and you’re not crazy,” she promises.

 

** On the ISS **

> clotpoleofthelord: Jo/Charlie, International Space Station AU

Charlie’s mindless code babble annoyed Jo for the first month as she tried to escape her, tried to focus on the plants and her experiments and tune her out and get some damn results.

Now Jo finds it calming, and more: she’s decided that the endless rapid-fire talking as Charlie improves the air, flight, and rotation systems is expelling CO₂, helping the plants to perk and be happy– yes,  _yes_  she will decide to think that.

It’s not at all that her technobabble is somewhat charming and full of fun references to books and movies and make-believe lands that may exist on the far-off planets they one day hope to see being discovered thanks to their work and research.

 

** Post-apocalypse Girl Band **

> clotpoleofthelord: Charlie/Jo, rival girl bands in a post-apocalyptic future

They don’t have some ten-member supergroup, like the other girls, but Jo and Charlie have survived, just the two of them, for this long and they’re about to unleash a performance like none of their rivals have ever seen. They set up their speakers facing the back of the rotted out stadium everyone’s amassed in, boozing and drugging their faces off to repetitive beats, forgetting about their problems while the people on the outside keep the area clear of zombies.

But the speakers face away and the crowd grows curious until Charlie’s first drum beat– and when Jo’s guitar kicks in, there’s no competition anymore: the zombies behind the stage who stagger forward at the noise are obliterated by the massive decibels blaring from the speakers and the mosh in front of the stage starts with a new fervor.

 

** Reporter & Superhero **

> clotpoleofthelord: Jo/Charlie, reporter and superhero AU!

Jo’s voice comes as a surprise at Charlie’s shoulder, super close to her ear (sexily close to her ear) “Honey, the glasses, they just really do not do the job,” she gently chides.

“G-glasses,” Charlie asks, straightening the props on her nose and looking over to where Jo still hovers close, shaking her head, “I’m not sure what you’re–”

“They don’t make you look different,” Jo says, “not enough, not with the blazing red hair, so you might need to… change it up a little more when you’re off the clock– er, the superhero clock, and in the newsroom,” she explains quietly.

Suddenly Jo’s fingers are carding through the length of Charlie’s hair and she swallows, audibly, as Jo continues plotting this new shared secrecy, “If you think you could manage to get a wig to stick while you’re flying - maybe we attach it to the mask - I think we should cut your hair short, I mean, you’d look  _great_ ,” she purrs.

 

** Talk Show Hosts **

> clotpoleofthelord: Jo/Charlie - competing talk show hosts

Somebody thought it would be a good idea to schedule them both on  _The View_ , surrounded by these catty gossipmongers just to, what, like watch them snatch each other’s hair out or something?

So the first thing Jo does - without reserve or malice - is positively  _gush_ about the beautiful suit that Charlie’s wearing and how the dramatic haircut she recently got really makes her face so much brighter because it’s evident that she feels relieved without it on her shoulders.

Charlie gets the message loud and clear and, really, there’s nothing better than the silken gold of Jo’s hair and the careless way she ties it mid-interview when she’s really working up to a point – well, nothing better except maybe the baffled looks of their hosts – because, hell, just 'cause they’re in the same timeslot, on different networks, and they’re  _branded_ that way, doesn’t mean they actually have to hate each other.

 

** Ham Radio **

> clotpoleofthelord: Jo/Charlie, post-apocalyptic ham radio buddies!

It takes them two long years, but they find a pilot and get a plane off the ground and send a few people at a time across the barren wastelands to find supplies and colonies and report back to one another - it takes even longer before one of them boards that plane and makes the shaky flight out to meet her partner in crime.

Charlie has been hearing her voice through the speakers so long, been listening in headphones and surrounded by her, that the uncut, true-color reality of her is… well, this is cheesy, but it’s kinda like coming home.

“No offense,” she says to Jo, a little dazed, “but I never wanna hear you over the radio ever again” – and Jo always did understand the words between the words, so she smiles.

 

* * *

 

**Jody Mills x Linda Tran**

**Tennis Instructor**

> clotpoleofthelord: Jody Mills/Linda Tran, professional tennis AU!

“I know nothing about tennis,” Jody tries to apologize. She won the raffle for free lessons and feels kind of like a shit for stepping into them completely blind.

Ms. Tran grins, almost like she’s up to something, and comes around to put her right side into the correct stance, up close enough for Jody to hear her say quietly, “A virgin,” nearly purring, “we’ll have to give you a real hands-on tutorial, then.”

 

**FBI Partners**

> clotpoleofthelord: Jody Mills/Linda Tran, FBI partners!

Agent Tran is great at highlighting the talents of others so she’s not the one who spouts the exact codes and violations being made when they’re threatening cooperation out of somebody— that’s Jody’s gig. It makes her come off as the mastermind and nobody has to know how quick she is on the trigger or, you know,  _what_  her trigger is.

So, Agent Mills ends up playing ‘good cop’ more than she’s used to, like- she started out as a small-town cop and was the worst nightmare of every teenager who snuck a beer out to Makeout Point, but she feels like a saint compared to the quiet, smirking wrath of her partner.

 

* * *

 

**Jody Mills x Ellen Harvelle**

** Rival Plumbers **

> clotpoleofthelord: Ellen/Jody; rival plumbers AU

Jody’s starting to re-think her move out of public service and into small business when she pulls up to the high school and there’s already a sleek, corporate-looking Harvells van on the scene. A senior prank had put all the toilets out of commission and it seems either a small army of plumbers is required to fix the situation or, even without bathrooms, that slick-shit Principal Crowley, is not above a bidding war for the contract.

Ellen has the nerve to make a comment on how Jody “certainly took her time getting here” while spinning a wrench in her hands, heavy belt sliding down her hip, ‘fuck me or fuck you’ smile firmly in place.

 

**_ BSG _ Leadership **

> clotpoleofthelord: Ellen Harvelle/Jody, President and military leader in Battlestar AU

The President’s got black market ambrosia and cigars in her quarters and Jody has maybe never admired someone so much in her life.

Ellen hands a cigar over and tells her they’ve got decisions to make, work to do, lives to sustain and plan and, where she comes from, this is how it gets done.

No wonder Jo is a better pilot when she’s had her vices fed, Jody wonders, blinking through the smoke at her fellow leader — and she plans on returning that confiscated hooch to the girl when she boards the Battlestar again.

 

** Strangers in an Elevator **

> clotpoleofthelord: Jody/Ellen, strangers trapped in an elevator!

Jody hangs up because help is on the way, but it’s still more than an hour out, and she thinks it would be rude to sit on the phone with her deputy while this other woman has no one else to talk to.

She extends her hand and her name and the other woman takes it, introducing herself as Ellen, and then she starts digging through her coat pockets and her bag.

“Hope you don’t mind, Sheriff,” she reveals a shiny steel flask, “but I’ve gotta have some way'a passin’ the time,” she takes a sip and then tilts it forward, “that is, unless bein’ stuck in here means you’re off-duty at the moment,” she offers it like a question and Jody grins.

 

** Presidential Debate **

> clotpoleofthelord: Jody/Ellen, presidential candidates in a debate

Ellen is in so deep at this point that the best compliment she can deliver when they finally meet face-to-face backstage is, “You don’t look like a cop-loving, gun-toting republican, Governor Mills.”

Jody takes no offense at it - Ellen has never appeared to be a bleeding-heart liberal, never once sounded like anything less than a no-nonsense barkeep like her momma raised her, but they, neither of them, are what they once were – she’s gonna be getting in a verbal scrap with the Speaker of the House in a minute here.

It’s traditional to ask, so she does: “May I call you E-”

“- Hell, girl, call me El, and I’ll call you Sheriff,” Ellen waves her off, “no matter how you slice it, we’re putting a woman in the fucking White House so I could give a shit about my nickname, how about you?”

 

* * *

 

**Claire Novak x Krissy Chambers**

** Rival Bakeries **

> clotpoleofthelord: Claire Novak/Krissy Chambers, rival bakeries!

E-Claire’s business model is officially outstripping the one that Krissy’s father left her and she’s so fucking  ~~pissed~~ ,  ~~jealous~~ ,  ~~sad~~ ,  ~~defeated~~ , amazed.

Goddamnit, dad told her there was no pressure; there are reminders of him everywhere and his words, “kid, you only gotta do this until it’s not fun anymore” — and it isn’t fun right now, with the bakery across the street, and its fucking cute-as-hell theme and its free wifi and how goddamn bad they’re kicking her ass in sales and how much she just wants to hang out there instead of working in her own shop.

But Krissy can’t be mad at Claire since meeting her, especially since they come from similar situations with their dads and all — the trick is to make it about them and not about just being a legacy, so Krissy experiments with her own éclair recipe… and Claire presents a mean cheesecake that almost rivals Krissy’s.

 

** Farmer’s Market Rivals **

> clotpoleofthelord: Claire/Krissy, farmers' market rival stands!

Krissy is the older, more mature one here, so she is determined that this will not devolve into an all-out food fight but, goddamn, is it getting close.

Claire just picked up her job recently, she’s a drifter and the farm that’s basically set on being Krissy’s rival hired Claire to run their stand during the hours they’re at church on Sunday but, when out of the owners’ sight, she’s as bratty as she wants to be, certainly not a model employee, careless about the people thumbing the apples unless they hang around too long and distract her from a YouTube marathon on her phone.

Krissy could let the brat drown, let her dig herself back into unemployment, but instead she scoops up the apples that have rolled to her side of the aisle and comes to place them back on Claire’s side– and considers retrieving a rotten turnip from the toss pile when all she gets for it is a frown and an eye-roll.

 

** Snapchat **

> Anonymous: CLAIRE NOVAK X KRISSY CHAMBERS, stop sending me videos of supernatural sh*t on snapchat

She’s gotta learn to drop her phone to her lap, throw her head back on her shoulders, and roll her eyes a little less obviously because the teacher is gonna notice that faster than the audio from the videos Krissy keeps snapping of fucking slenderman and bigfoot and whatever else she’s trying to convince everybody is real today.

Claire slugs her on the shoulder when they’re walking to the 100 hall, “Ow- hey, I didn’t-”

“Stop posting fucking videos of supernatural shit,” she adjusts her backpack on her arm, “I mean goddamnit, Krissy, just because you think you saw a ghost once- you know you’re turning into those ‘ghost bros’ or whatever they call them, those annoying-”

“Ghost _facers_ ,” Krissy corrects, like she cares, “and I  _did_ see a ghost, I’m just saying, Claire,” she stops, puts a hand out to stop her, repeats: “Claire - just come with us, just once, I swear if you don’t see what I’m talking about I’ll never try to convince you to go hunting again.”

Hunting - she keeps talking about this  _hunting_ crap like it’s not just weird videos she looks up, but like stuff she’s actually researching, reading books that are less  _Harry Potter_  than something she has to feed Latin through an online translator to understand – almost like she’s taking it seriously… so Claire throws her head back one more time for one more long, tortured, dramatic sigh and, “Fine, FINE!”

 

* * *

 

**Winchesters**

**Pope Sam**

stesichoreanpalinode: Sam and Dean, medieval AU where Sam the younger brother went into the church and has just been made Pope

“I’m too young for this, Dean,” Sam frets as his brother pulls his cloak tight around his shoulders.

“They believe in you, they say God chose you, they’ve seen you cast demons out and perform holy works, Sammy,” before helping him with his grand new hat, Dean cups Sam’s face in his hands. “I believe in you, too, if it counts for anything,” his small smile is, gratefully, returned.

 

**Dean vs. Technology**

> stesichoreanpalinode: Three-sentence prompt: genfic, Sam trying to explain the new technology of your choice (the internet, wifi, smartphones etc) to Dean

Dean starts, stops, sighs, starts and stops again, then stutters out, “Sam, I wanna… I wanna… find…” he mumbles, says almost too quietly, “ _new music_.”

After Sam  _falls out of his fucking chair_  and eventually stops laughing, he drags Dean back over and tells him to stop blushing and sits him down in front of the computer to discover Spotify and Pandora and last.fm and explain scrobbling to him.

And maybe he lets him say “scra-bobbling” a few more times just because it’s kinda fucking precious, but soon Dean is proficient enough to start working through all the decades of rock he’d been avoiding and discovering that not everything modern sucks.

 

**Baseball Outing**

> inthebackoftheimpala: Sam and Dean, bro-time at a baseball game

Sam smiles, passes the popcorn, the beer, the hot dog, smiles, smiles, smiles, remarks on the fine weather, calls over for another beer – he pays for everything – and he bumps elbows with Dean, they discuss anything but cases or ghosts or tablets or death and just absorb the springtime sun.

He’s so fucking bored.

Baseball is agonizing, slow, he has no idea what Dean sees in the game, really, since it doesn’t have the pace of soccer or the intensity of football and he just– he’s really so bored, but the long hours are such a small price to pay to watch his brother relax, watch the troubles fall from his shoulders and the lines crease by his eyes when he smiles, and every minute is worth seeing Dean settle into happiness.

 

**Route 66**

> inthebackoftheimpala: Sam & Dean, route 66

They finish a job in Chicago and Sam wants to go to a fucking museum, so Dean sighs a lot but he does it and he doesn’t hate it so what they do next definitely has to be something he wants to do. They’re walking out to find a place for lunch when he pauses and points up and Sam reads the sign aloud to him, “Begin Historic Route 66,” and nods like, yeah, that’s pretty interesting, “but not much of the original is around anymore,” he notes.

“Yeah, but what if we take a little time off, maybe just explore, see a little American history, I mean, we’ve been on the road our whole lives but never done the full trek – actually, yeah, you get museums, this is exactly what I wanna do,” he slaps a hand on Sam’s shoulder, “do your Google fu, little brother, we’re going sightseeing.”

 

**Thrown Back in Time**

> stesichoreanpalinode: And now I have to prompt: Dean is summoned or falls through a wormhole or has to confront zombies while he's in the middle of getting dressed  
>  (a/n Just throw Dean into my shoes, okay, just do it, I guess, but the BttF thing is a pretty common trope in his life, lbr.)

He lands shirtless in ancient Rome which is not at all nice after getting out of the shower, all horse shit and dusty stone and for fuck’s sake he was CLEAN two seconds ago and now he’s basically been dressed up like an extra from Gladiator and shoved into a dark hall awaiting… he doesn’t know, tigers or dudes with swords or maybe just an execution.

When he’s shoved out of his own hall and into the pit, someone else is shoved out across it, dressed similarly and tall enough to be– “Sam, what the fuck is going on?”

Sam shoves away some guy who comes up to give them spears to fight to the death with or whatever, and growls, “I fucking hate angels is what’s going on,” he scratches at his head, “there’s fucking dirt in my hair, I’m in a… leather…  _dress_ , and I think I found out Gabriel’s still alive.”

 

**Invisible Man**

> lilysunder8: one of the boys gets hexed so they're invisible, so they're trying to work the case, but the invisible one is freaking out bystanders

“Oh my GOD would you STOP IT,” Dean barks, too loud for the busy first floor of a hospital, and waits for everyone to pass, gathering his calm and rolling his eyes at himself and, when there’s a break in foot traffic, he gropes the air for Sam’s invisible form. He’s a fucking furnace, as per usual, so Dean knows he’s close and he manages to grab his sleeve… or something and yank him to the side of the hall, “The only thing that’s gonna freak people out more than a ‘ghost’ is a frigging  _Canadian_ ghost always saying ‘sorry’ for bumping into them and shit, man – you gotta let it go, let them think they tripped over their own feet or something but when you’re  _invisible_ and you  ** _talk_** , you’re drawing attention-”

“-kinda the way that you grabbing the air and lecturing it is drawing attention,” Sam interrupts, his tone nervous rather than snarky so Dean looks around and… yeah. They’re being watched by a nurse at the end of the hall, so, it’s not just the invisible guy who’s freaking out the bystanders, it’s the invisible guy’s freaked-out brother who…… really needs to book it out of here,  _now_ , before that nurse calls to have him taken upstairs for some head scans.

 

* * *

 

**Team Free Will**

**_ Welcome to Night Vale _ **

> deanhugchester: Team Free Will Welcome to Nightvale AU. :)))) *huggles*

It was only after they bought the property where the Roadhouse used to stand that they realized it was a bad idea to settle down here. Sure, the hunter network knew where to find them, but so did… other…..  _things_.

One day Dean went to the Arby’s up the road in the nearby town and came back with a bright new eye blinking out of his forehead and clutching a sack full of nothing but curly fries that he wouldn’t let go of while hollering, “Pack your shit, we’re leaving before that cloud gets any closer!”

 

** Stuck in the Snow **

> inthebackoftheimpala: TFW, stuck in the snow

When Dean finally shuts himself back in the Impala, totally defeated, snow piling up all around her and them unable to get off the side of the road until the wind stops howling, Sam sighs with him and gives him a little punch in the arm, “Okay,” he says, “you go ahead in back,” and motions for Dean to climb over the seat. Dean just looks at him, confused, and Sam has to repeat himself, “you go head with Cas, I’ll be fine up here if you leave your jacket.”

Dean persists in acting confused, as if he doesn’t want to cuddle up with Cas and make sure he stays warm, so Sam surges forward and nearly dumps him over the seat until Dean’s flailing into Cas’s lap and Cas returns Sam’s wink with a cheerful nod, hauling Dean in close and pulling him under the warm trench coat with him.

 

** Wise Birds **

> inthebackoftheimpala: TFW, birds who know too much

They use their resources rather than flying all over like the others and just losing their minds before a storm rolls in, and Sam’s always leading the way; they eat before the rain and lightning and take shelter near fresh water, in the shadow of men’s farms, near enough to foods they can take, just the three of them, without being run off. Some farmers will set aside scraps, toss off small portions like they do for their gods, and imagine they are messengers or call them omens. But they are hunters, the three of them, clawing away spirits still, in the lifetimes before and after they have weapons and books to do so, still fighting, but silent, stealth, watching from where they circle above.

 

** Everyone is Liquid **

> inthebackoftheimpala: *dissolves into a pile of TFW emotions*  
>  (a/n after doing all the others, i couldn’t  _not_  do this, don’t even look at me, i know it’s not an actual prompt)

They come home cursed and, since no one is itching or humping anything or seems to be outwardly affected, they don’t worry about it too much, simply hoping that whatever the witch said has died with her and they won’t actually be ashes when they wake up tomorrow, or grow extra ears or anything.

They find, in the morning, that this is a vain hope: Sam slides across the hallway floor a shimmery green, a nervous swirling liquid that attempts to trickle into the library to do research.

Cas is the multi-hued opal of intrigue and curiosity, melting over all the ancient objects in the house and knocking things about in the pantry where he happens to find Dean, the ravenous, roiling orange wave of hunger attempting to make himself a burger without boiling any of himself off.

 

** At the Beach **

> murderfeathers: team free will at the beach

Florida still makes Sam nervous, so they don’t cross the time zone or leave the panhandle, but the weather is too good not to take advantage and stay an extra day. The rest of the country freezes but the beaches in the south are still warm and Dean coaxes Cas out of his coat, lures Sammy out of the motel room where he’s been nervously chattering about getting out of the state before dinnertime Monday – he’s not going anywhere near Tuesday – and he leads them out to the sun and sand with a case of beer. Sam ends up playing with somebody’s dog and he eases up a little, happier than he’s been in a while, and Dean gets to poke Cas in his sunburned nose and watch him make that hilarious little “so disappointed in my friends” face.

 

** Bread Castle **

> inthebackoftheimpala: team free will, bread castle

“Cas,” Dean’s voice bursts over the phone with such energy that, at first, he thinks something must really be wrong, “Wing your ass over here, you’ve gotta see this, Sam got cursed and it’s fucking amazing.”

Cas does zap over to their motel du jour and is actually not at all disappointed: the cramped confines of the room have been tastefully redecorated with mounds and mounds of pastries and bread and a boule has even had the center chewed out and the crusty outer ring placed atop Sam’s head in the style of a crown.

“He’s king of bread castle,” Dean whispers as Cas stares in complete amazement, “he maxed out one of our fake cards at Whole Foods and bought all their bread and I’m not sure if I wanna gank the witch who did this to him or buy her a drink,” he cackles.

 

** Cheese **

> inthebackoftheimpala: Team free will, cheese

“You know what,” Sam says, “I am removing myself from this situation because it seriously feels like I’m the only one who completely understands what’s going on here,” he slides out of the booth opposite Dean and Cas and tosses some cash down, “I’ll get a couple beers and then Uber a ride home because I’m not letting your headboard keep me up all fucking night - I’d rather just pass out,” and he leaves.

Dean straightens up and blinks and snorts and tosses his hand, looks to Cas like,  _what the fuck is **his**  proble-_

And he only turns back to see Cas licking the fondue that’s run down his thumb so…

okay, yeah, maybe he gets–

headboard?

“We’re not,” Dean starts stuttering, before he’s effectively silenced by a lack of breath, watching Cas pluck something off his plate with the long fork, dip it into the cheese, and hold it back up for him – like he’s gonna fucking– “you’re not  _feeding_ me that-”

“Sam is brilliant but he  _isn’t_ the only one who completely understands what’s going on here, so,” Cas shrugs, “open your mouth for me, Dean,” he orders ever so gently.

 

** Magical Realism **

> meanderings0ul: Team free will and some serious magical realism :)

You would think Sam would be the first to have integrated practical magical principals into his everyday life, what with how deep his nose is always buried into the lore and how he has (ugh) actual  _sympathies_ for witches and appreciation for their concentration and mastery and… oh, whatever; anyway, it’s Dean whose troglodyte ways led him to avoid phones and GPS devices for as long as possible with the aid of some simple tracking spells. Sam would catch him with a damn travel brochure swinging a little pendulum from his keyring over the glossy page so he wouldn’t have to ask anyone for directions.

Sam doesn’t actually start until they’re banishing a sprite in Michigan and it takes so many damn candles to do it, Cas just casts a hand over the tealights and tapers, igniting them all at once, almost an annoyed hand-wave – magic is, after all, about connection to your environment and making life easier, so Sam’s first order of business is finding a sigil for the inside of his phone case that not only keeps his screen from cracking in a fall, it stops a bullet from shattering his hip on the second day – a tiny, digital blessing.

 

* * *

 

[ **PWP: Pie Without Plot** ](https://archiveofourown.org/series/213257)

** Gabe Finds the Truck **

> sheisstrangerthanfiction: Gabriel discovering Sam, Dean, & Cas' food truck (come on, you have to know that I want more Gabriel).  
>  (a/n and here we have tracy BLATANTLY heading the charge for more pwp. leave it to her folks. and GABRIEL no less, geeze.)

They’re enjoying the sun in California while the weather turns frosty elsewhere and the bright, loud shirt isn’t unusual, nor the swim trunks, nor the curled hipster mustache – what is unusual is that Cas freezes solid when facing their next customer, completely unresponsive when Dean asks, again, what’s the next order to fire.

“Cas,” he wipes off his hands and scoots across the truck to prod him and then looks up and…. sees his meddlesome fucking brother– points, growls, “ _YOU_.”

Gabriel’s shit-eating grin is indicative of the only thing Dean plans to force-feed his smarmy face until he has the gall to say, “I heard this hunk of junk has got better baklava than the Turkish Taco Truck,” and, well, then, Dean’s just gotta hand over a plate to prove it, of course.

 

** In the Food Truck **

> pathsofpassion: deancas in the pwp foodtruck au (that is totally not cheating shh)

It’s never just a grind, a turn-and-burn, Dean would never allow it; the work they do in the truck is for fun, it’s for themselves, it’s for personal growth, exploring foods, traveling, and continuing their little culinary journey while they keep fighting for the forces of good. And they never forget either of their missions – the hunting or the having fun – which is why, Cas explains, he made the whole chest of ice cubes with holy water, and, even after all this, he still seems quite proud.

Dean shakes his head in amazement before looking down at the mess on his apron and wondering if it’s a compliment that the demon who’d come up to get pretzels and a lemonade slush from them was so excited about the prospect of trying their food that they risked it even when they spotted Winchesters in the window.

 

** Focaccia Redux **

> Anonymous: MAJOR why did no one tell me the fucking focaccia is so GOOOD now it is all I want to eat ever plz help. three sentence au: dean/cas, the focaccia redux? >.>  
>  (a/n You are QUITE WELCOME to your new bread habit, anon, I feel wicked good about this.)

Dean follows his nose to the bunker kitchen because he smells this fantastic combination of fresh herbs being chopped before Cas even gets to the good part – bread is harder to work on in the food truck, so focaccia has been out for a while but it would seem his time has come at last, since they’re home for the week.

Dean hovers at his shoulder until Cas lists off, “oregano, rosemary, thyme, cracked pepper,” he rattles the sea salt, “and this on top, of course, with olive oil.”

Dean loves it, classic and simple and earthy and rich and Cas will carry the scent of it into the sheets with himself even at the end of the day, delicious and warm and healthy and that fresh-baked-bread taste sitting right in his skin when Dean pulls up his hard-working hands and sets his mouth against Cas’s palm to kiss.

 

* * *

 

**Other**

** Gabriel x Kali **

> sheisstrangerthanfiction: "Loki"/Kali. First Date AU.

She’s fucking stunning and she wouldn’t date him in a million years so, of course, he thought he had to lie on his online profile to make “Loki” look like a more gorgeous man than he really was. For their first date, then, for the big reveal, he knew he had to go all out: he had to be exactly who he was, a massive dork, laughing at everything (including himself), and just try to charm the pants off her and hope she didn’t get too angry (though she could look even more glorious when pissed, he was sure).

Fate has it in for him, though, and what he does is buy her a drink that he spills all across his front as he almost trips into her lap at the bar – to which her face opens up and she laughs her head off, helping him right himself, outshining everyone around her.

 

** Team Free Purgatory **

> ilikebeesandflowers: Oh you still want 3-sentence AUs? How about Team Purgatory doing something totally unlikely: say, tech support?

It’s like  _Office Space_  but better– and more  _surprising_  because Cas actually quits first by grabbing the coffee pot and upturning it over his terminal, then punting the carafe down the rows of cubicles. While everyone looks on, stunned, Benny grins, pops open his heavy old Swingline stapler, and slams it into his computer monitor like a short baseball bat with little projectiles.

Relieved that he’s not alone, Dean feels free to finally –  _finally_  – yank off his headset and takes his incessantly-ringing phone with him as they exit to drop it down the emergency stairwell.

 

** Gabriel x Balthazar **

> sheisstrangerthanfiction: Gabriel/Balthazar either Antiques Roadshow AU or just out antiquing AU.

Balthazar was always gushing about the beautiful finds they made, couldn’t even restrain himself when the salespeople were looking, let alone when they weren’t. So Gabriel played the heavy, unimpressed and talking shit and telling Balthazar to put that crap down so they could go find something worthwhile.

Every so often, Balthazar would make it impossible, turning his loving eyes on Gabriel and begging to leave with the piece no matter how badly negotiations went, and Gabriel couldn’t help but roll his eyes and fork over the cash.

 

** Dean x Abaddon **

> stesichoreanpalinode: Dean and Abbadon, privateer like Drake

Her smile curls wide and indulgent before her deep bow to her King, and she sweeps off her hat to motion toward her crew. By the time she’s risen, they are flanking her with the over-full chests of gold and tobacco, offers of splendor for funding further voyages. “Your Highness I present to you the riches of the New World and the spoils of war,” she begins, but his eyes don’t covet the treasure, only herself – well, either way, she’s got him.

 

** Ruby & Meg & Abaddon **

> Anonymous: Top chef AU meg/abaddon/ruby :) :)

Abaddon won the quickfire and they’d split off into girls versus guys teams for Restaurant Wars, but she didn’t give a shit for Lilith or Casey and, since she could call head chef for herself, she claimed Ruby and Meg for her sous.

The other girls wouldn’t dare disappoint her in the dining room, though – she would eviscerate them at the judge’s table and damn well wouldn’t fall on her sword for any mistakes, even if she was in charge of the restaurant as a whole.

And none of them wanted to lose to Crowley, the head of the guy’s team, because, come on, how could they ever live it down if they lost to a private chef with only  _two_  clients and  _no_ restaurant experience?

 

** Jo x Andy **

> clotpoleofthelord: Jo/DEALER'S CHOICE, Civil War era dressed-as-a-boy-to-be-a-soldier AU.

Gallagher’s a chickenshit and she doesn’t wanna bunk or march or fight anywhere near him, but he knows the truth and Jo figures it’s better to keep him close – she doesn’t know how right she is until he’s (supposed to be) keeping a watch out while she washes in a nearby pond, and a Sergeant bursts out of the trees and comes her way.

She scrambles for cover and lets out a scream before she can stifle it and when Andy stumbles out of the treeline, wide-eyed, freaked, but alert, he throws up a hand at the Sergeant who  _freezes_. He then seems to forget where he is and everything he saw before Jo covered up with her jacket, as if Andy had somehow scrambled his mind and ordered him to go about his business.

 

** Dean x Aaron **

> Anonymous: Dean x Aaron, Dean really is an FBI agent and Aaron really is his gay thing

“Sorry,” Aaron feels he has to apologize right off the bat for being spotted in yet another building Special Agent Winchester has made the rounds to, “sorry, god, you’d think it wasn’t such a small city and then– I really  _swear_  I’m not stalking you, this is just the best coffee place in town and I–”

Dean feels an embarrassed little smile come to his own face, “No, no, really it’s alright I– it happens, I understand, and–” Dean pauses, takes a deep breath, “maybe for a reason, I mean, look, um, how about– do you wanna, maybe, sit down with-  _with me_  after I grab a coffee?”

The awkward air drops from Aaron immediately and turns to disbelief, “Sure,” he nods, “I mean, of course, if you want to,” and he returns Dean’s growing smile.

 

** Sam & Kevin **

> sifthepit: How about Kevin and Sam at Comic-Con? :)

Sam saw a tiny little kid in a fuzzy Ewok outfit fly by before being jerked to a stop by the body-strapped leash his Leia-look-alike mother had put him on; he’s thinking about turning around and finding them again to ask where he can get a leash for Kevin.

He’s enjoying it, of course, he wouldn’t say he wasn’t – he’s never seen so many amazing Rose Tylers and Martha Joneses in his life and he’s really, severely crushing on all of them (and stopping them all to stoop down for selfies which go directly to the Instagram his brother knows  _nothing_  about) – it’s just that he keeps losing Kevin.

He’s calling him by cell phone again when the phone is snatched out of his hand and stuffed into Kevin’s Quidditch uniform pocket, “Hey,” he says, “no cell phones, Gandalf, you’ll ruin the look,” and harasses Sam about it until he pulls his white beard back into place.

 

** Dean & Crowley **

 

> paintmeahero: Crowley/Dean WWII South Pacific

Dean’s spent enough time down here and wandering the streets on shore leave that he knows Crowley’s accent isn’t quite native to Australia. He thinks the guy must just naturally be a suspicious-looking jerk because not even the higher-ups seem to fully trust him, but they’re intrigued by his ideas of a scheme against the Japanese. When Colonel Campbell drags him off to his end of the beach Crowley seems delighted at the sight of Dean, says he has “exactly what it takes” for operation First Blade.

 

** Jody x Donna **

> clotpoleofthelord: Jody/Sheriff Donna, new FBI partners investigating alien abductions!

“You know, I think we kinda suck at hunting aliens,” Donna says as she shakes the last of the multi-hued wrist restraints off her arms, perpetual smile still in place and already approaching to unlock Jody from where she’s suspended in alien…. um, light, and, uh glitter of some sort?

“At least you’re good at charming them– and slipping their cuffs, apparently,” she sends a grateful grin Donna’s way and notes, “you think they’d be, I donno, taller and less…. glowy, maybe?”

“Oh, yeah, little critters remind me more of the kinda thing on a cereal box but I still like to think of myself as a Sigourney Weaver typea gal,” and with that Donna whips out her gun, strikes a sci-fi heroine pose, and then darts out down the hall after their captors, leaving Jody wide-mouthed and blinking before she thinks to draw her weapon and do the same.

 

** Dean & Benny & Cas **

> pathsofpassion: promptses! deancasbenny college au?

Castiel’s parents invested in property for all their children near the colleges they chose – that’s just how rich they are – and allowed them to take roommates who paid rent, so long as parties didn’t get out of hand or authorities didn’t get complaints filed against them, and none of the kids really pushed it with this generous gift. Cas doesn’t want to go to college in-state or be held to the standards of his siblings, but his parents buy a condo off-campus before he can protest their involvement and, by the time he registers, he may as well just move in and get to work rather than searching for his own housing. He advertises for two people to share rent and, when Dean and Benny come to know him and learn that he doesn’t exactly wanna follow in Michael or Lu’s goody-goody shoes, they throw their first rager… the first of many.

 

** Crowley & Castiel **

> hisroyalhellishness: Crowley/Castiel, futuristic SPACE DIPLOMACY~

It’s been centuries since the apocalypse-that-wasn’t and Heaven and Hell don’t find themselves at great odds all that much anymore because, for as many demons and angels as there are that sometimes raise a call for war, there are the older ones who sit them down and silence them, as well as the Winchester Saints on Heaven’s side and the many witches who remember the sharp ends of their knives on the other.

Man’s movement into space and the exodus from Earth, however, bring into question new tracts of territory as, for each completely-inhabitable planet, humanity brings with it the concepts of Heaven and Hell and each of those tied to earth is already packed to bursting.

“You’ve gotta admit, angel,” Crowley says with a sneer, “it’s about time we had ourselves a good, old-fashioned fight to the death over who props up new gates to their respective pits and on which planets,” he says it as if it’s tempting but Cas is just as opposed to war as he has been the entire time – there’s nothing tempting about that, and he’s got Sam and Dean calling him home at the back of his mind, their hammers and nails already poised to expand the limits of Heaven without the effort of land-grabbing.

 

** Dean & Death **

> sheisstrangerthanfiction: Dean / Death; not slash. Dean is on episode of Chopped. Death is a judge.

Dean can’t be too mad at Gabriel for making him play along on this one because, seriously, of course he makes it all the way to the dessert round and Sam gets sidelined because he still wouldn’t know a good dessert if it came up and jumped in his mouth. He grins like an absolute asshole when he explains his dish to the judges and he no longer flinches under Death’s cold glare (though he might wince having to watch Famine eat and he gets really grossed out when Pestilence sneezes on his). In the end, he’s pretty sure he wins because not even Gabe could manipulate a world in which Death doesn’t appreciate that each course was deep fried.

 

** Gabe & Cas **

> sheisstrangerthanfiction: Gabriel/Castiel. Brother-buddy roadtrip, Route 66 style.

This is how they celebrate graduation: they walk right off the stage at NIU and snap selfies for five minutes with their friends and then disappear to the car - with a trailer hitched to the back with all of their belongings because, fuck it, they have the stupid degrees and they’re gonna go find their fame and fortune RIGHT THIS MINUTE. They go to Lake Shore Drive, and start at the head of Route 66 and wherever the road takes them, that’s where they’ll go, following no map and no signs at all, just whimsy. The money runs out in California where they’ve gone far off route and Gabriel runs into a tall, beautiful stranger who laughs at all his jokes.

 

** Jo & Jody **

> clotpoleofthelord: BTTF AU - Jo goes back in time to help her parents get together, gets distracted by CUTE GIRL BABY JODY who becomes her partner in TIME CRIMES

Jo runs down the stairs and out of the building and towards the parking lot because she doesn’t have much time left, now that her parents are sure to meet and her meddling has been corrected, she has to get back and–

there’s something happening out here and that the (perfect, scrappy, delightful) younger version of Sheriff Mills is at the center of it.

She’s standing in front of another student as if to defend her and– yeah, actually, she is, because there’s a big guy in front of them with his fist raised and Jody is shouting, “And everybody thinks you’re a douchebag, Doug, so leave Donna alone!”

Jody doesn’t really know Jo except that she’s been causing problems the last few days and Jo doesn’t know Donna at all, but an asshole with his fist raised against two women is still just an asshole, and she darts over and stands with Jody and dares that bastard to use it or lose it.

 

** Charlie x Dorothy **

> Anonymous: Charlie/Dorothy, video games

There’s riotous laughter on the other end of the headset - beautiful, non-racist, non-sexist, older-than-a-teenager, female laughter of pure joy coming from player number six who is basically firing a bazooka at a wall and having a ball dying over and over again.

“I have no idea how to play this game,” player six finally says - and the username scrolls as her character dies and “yellow_brix” laughs again, this time kind of maniacally as another player is caught in the explosion.

“Oh my sweet summer child,” Charlie says, “let me take you under my wing, pretty fucking please, I am dying to train up a troop of girls to slaughter whiny baby boys all over the world,” she sends an invite to her group, Women of Letters, and it’s accepted instantly.

 

** Death & Gabriel **

> sheisstrangerthanfiction: Death and Gabriel hanging out together at the Texas State Fair in Dallas (so many fried foods -- fried butter, fried twinkies, fried Oreos LOL).

“I’m actually gonna say this, and I can’t fucking believe I’m the one saying it, but, I just… seriously don’t think there’s a need for fried butter– not that I’m not gonna try it, I mean, I’m gonna try it,” Gabriel finally admits, shrugging.

“Try and like I suspect,” Death scowls, eyeing one of their fellow patrons who is actually about seven food booths from dropping and making a spectacular mess, “but let’s head for the fried Coke, first, and eat our way back, I hate having to work on a day off,” he steps out of reach of a sticky-fingered child.

“Fried Snickers first, then,” Gabe nods, “and then fried ice cream and then a break for a ride of some sort where I can puke on the other passengers and start all over again from scratch,” he actually turns and waits for the eye-roll that’s directed at him.

 

** Chuck & Himself **

> mattiecat: Chuck!! Chuck!!  
>  (a/n I mean. Three-sentence AU of Chuck as Chuck? O……kay.)

“You’re me,” Chuck says to himself, and he doesn’t know if that’s a question but his other self nods, “I mean, just to get this straight: you’re  _me_ ,” he tries to clarify.

“Well, I mean, not really - it’s just that you can’t see the real me because-”

“It would burn out my eyeballs,” he whispers in horror, “are you liquefying my brains right now– am- am I braindead- oh my god I’m a vegetable, I’ve been exposed to your  _almighty light_  and-”

“Uh, hold on-”

“You can’t just walk around in my bod, dude, you’re like– you’re  _God_  and I literally haven’t done laundry in three weeks, it would be mortifying to let you borrow my meatsuit and-”

“Ch-Chuck, seriously, hold on, dude-”

“Do I have to say ‘yes,’ like, The Big Yes??”

“Well, that’s what I’m trying to tell you,” he holds his hands out in front of him and something strange begins to happen at the edges of Chuck’s vision, “see, you already did, and it’s been a very long ride, so, like, definitely past time for me to let your vessel go, so what I’m gonna do,” the whole environment, the whole illusion of Chuck’s house fades around them, “is restore you to your vessel and let you go on with your life – now I realize that might be a little shocking,” God says, totally understating it, “so when you wake up, you’ll be in the passenger seat of a car and you should drive that car to Lebanon, Kansas, okay?”


End file.
